Have you ever had a good friend break up with someone you couldn’t stand? Suddenly you feel free to speak truthfully about what you think of that person. You tell your friend how their ex wasn’t good enough for them and how they always really annoyed you…
AND THEN THEY GET BACK TOGETHER!!!!
It can be so awkward to have had the honest conversation with someone only to find they seem to have forgiven all and are happy and in love again. We are amazed at how the friend has forgotten all of the negatives about this partner they had unloaded on you just a few days ago.
Well, friends, I have to tell you that we all do it. In fact, if you are thinking about an ex at this moment and you can only remember the good times, you are doing it right now.
Tip #2 for managing a relationship breakup is about being honest.
Romanticizing the past relationship is a trick our mind plays on us. Is it so that we will satisfy that craving we have to be loved? Remembering the good things about a relationship from the past is where we eventually want to end up but as we are trying to move through the pain, it isn’t always the most helpful process right away.
When you find yourself thinking about the relationship and missing the person, be careful you aren’t also idealizing what the relationship was like. Are you second guessing your decision to breakup while in the middle of feeling the pain of the breakup?
We must be very aware of how we may be tricking ourselves into believing a story about the relationship that turns them into a perfect partner and someone we should never have let go of.
Is the story we tell ourselves about how good the relationship was because we realize we truly made a mistake or are we just lonely and miserable and want someone to make us feel better?
Is it all about us?
An honest answer to these questions can save everyone involved a lot of time and extra pain.
Holding on to a relationship that isn’t good for either of you is unhealthy at best. But the real damage is the way it can lock you into a holding pattern of not getting over the past and not moving forward to the future.
Are you trapped in the past, re-living the relationship over and over, repeating and repeating the past mistakes but hoping for a different ending? If you think about it rationally how could it possibly end any different if you are only recycling the old way of being a partner?
It is hard to truly let go of a relationship that wasn’t working. It is hard but not impossible.
Staying honest with yourself about why you keep going back for more when you know you won’t ever truly be satisfied is necessary for healing. Asking yourself what you really want should open up the realizations and help you understand more about yourself and what you want.
Sometimes you may need help getting to that place of honesty. It may just hurt too much. Talk to a friend, family member or seek out a therapist.
You can begin with small steps, small awarenesses each day that make you stop and question why you are doing what you are doing.
Is this going to be good for me? Is this going to change anything or is it just to scratch this pain itch for right now?
What do I really want?
Take small steps, be open, be honest.