Let’s be honest. Most of us like the idea of change—new habits, fresh starts, better boundaries, finally saying goodbye to that closet full of “someday” clothes. But when it comes time to actually do the thing, we hit a wall. Not a literal one (hopefully), but an invisible, stubborn, psychological one.

That wall? It’s called cognitive dissonance—and it’s sneakier than you think.

So What Is Cognitive Dissonance?

It’s the mental discomfort you feel when your actions don’t match your beliefs. It’s when your brain does a little tug-of-war between “what I believe” and “what I’m actually doing.”

Example:

• Belief: “I really value my health.”
• Behavior: Eats cereal over the sink at midnight. Again.

Or:

• Belief: “I want to spend more quality time with my family.”
• Behavior: Says yes to another weekend work project you secretly resent.

Sound familiar? Don’t worry. You’re not broken—you’re just human.

Why We Resist Change (Even When It’s Good for Us)

Cognitive dissonance triggers anxiety, guilt, or shame. So instead of adjusting our behavior to match our beliefs (the healthy option), we often:

• Rationalize: “I’ll eat better next week. This week’s been extra stressful.”
• Avoid: Don’t check the bank account, the scale, the email inbox.
• Overcommit: “If I just do more, I won’t feel like such a fraud.”

In short, we try to quiet the discomfort instead of solving the disconnect. But guess what? That discomfort is actually useful. It’s a clue.

When the Conflict Shows Up Loud

Let’s say you keep saying, “I want more peace in my life.” But your calendar is booked solid, you haven’t had a slow morning since 2019, and your phone buzzes every 4.6 seconds. Cue dissonance!

Or maybe your Instagram bio says “living authentically,” but you feel like you’re performing every day. That inner tension? Not failure. It’s your mind asking for a meeting with your heart.

So What Can You Do About It?

Here’s the good news: Once you recognize the dissonance, you’re halfway there. Awareness is power. The rest comes down to curiosity and a little courage.

Here are three steps to start closing the gap:

1. Name It

Start by asking, “Where do my values and my actions not match right now?”

Example: “I say I want connection, but I avoid vulnerability.”

2. Normalize It

This doesn’t mean excusing it—it means realizing you’re not weird or weak. You’re wired this way. Cognitive dissonance is a normal part of growth. Seriously, welcome to the club.

3. Align It (Gently)

Pick one small action that aligns better with your belief.

• Want more health? Prep lunch once this week.
• Want more calm? Silence your notifications for one hour a day.
• Want more honesty? Say one real thing to one safe person.

Progress isn’t dramatic. It’s Tuesday at 3 p.m. when you respond differently than you did last week.

How Therapy and Coaching Can Help

Sometimes, what looks like procrastination or people-pleasing is actually unprocessed cognitive dissonance. Therapy and coaching offer different—but complementary—ways to explore this:

Therapy helps you:

• Understand where your conflicting beliefs came from (hello, childhood messaging!)
• Process the emotions that keep you stuck—like guilt, fear, or shame
• Build self-compassion so you can grow without self-judgment

Coaching helps you:

• Get crystal clear on your current values and future goals
• Identify practical strategies to shift behavior without burning out
• Stay accountable as you take small, aligned steps forward

Together, they create a powerful combo of insight + action.

Final Thoughts

You don’t have to feel inauthentic, overwhelmed, or stuck forever. That tug-of-war in your mind isn’t a sign that you’re failing—it’s a sign you’re ready. Ready to move toward the kind of life that feels good on the inside, not just the outside.

And if you need a hand sorting it all out? That’s exactly what coaching and therapy are for. You don’t have to figure it out alone.

Your values deserve your actions—and you deserve to feel congruent, calm, and clear.

Ready to explore the gap between what you believe and what you do? That’s where the magic happens.